A couple weeks ago, I had to do something really hard.
My great grandmother passed away, at almost 96 years old it wasn't really a suprise. But the length of life doesn't make saying good bye to someone any easier.
Somehow, it came to happen that I was asked if I would speak for a bit at the funeral.
I almost said no.
But I remembered that I had spoken publically a few times recently, and it was something that I can do. I don't love to do it, but I can do it.
And what an honor to be asked.
I ended up saying yes.
And it was like a heavy weight upon me all week. I was not able to focus on much else. I kept thinking about what I was supposed to say. What do you say??
I had been asked to share sort of on behalf of the great grandchildren. So what I said was to represent some 20- 30 people.
This was emotional and hard. I was scared and unsure.
I prayed. And asked for people to pray.
I felt like a kid... what could I say that might be worth anyone hearing?
But again, I knew this was something I was suposed to do.
And in reality, when I sat down to write, it came pretty easily. The last few lines were all that gave me troubles.
So composing my talk wasn't too hard.
I was still afraid of getting up infront of people to say my piece. I felt small. I am of the young generation in our large family. Though I am a mother of 3, married nearly 10 years, to some of these people I am still a child. I was transported back to those feelings...
The whole thing was scary.
I was covered in prayer and I know that helped me stronger. My husband was so supportive through that whole week. The times he took the kids so I could grieve and write and practice were so valuable.
Everything was heavy that week, the normal jobs took longer, and I felt kind of like I was in slow motion--- nothing was really getting done the way that it should.
But, the day and time came, and I did it! I faultered a few times and almost let the emotion take over. A few days later, I was able to listen to a recording of my talk, and I was proud. I sounded so grown up. I sounded like I knew what I was doing, and what I said made some sense.
I hope and pray that by doing the hard things, that I was able to make a difference to someone in their grieving. I don't know.
By doing what I did, I can be proud, I know I did something hard, I stepped out, I am more than just a mommy...